I gained weight and this is how I have learned to love myself through the journey.
My entire life I never struggled with my weight. That was until the past two years. It started with depression. I went through a depression and I gained weight during that time. Not too long after that my marriage ended and I put on an additional 50 pounds. All I can say is I was sad and food tasted good.
The other day I had this epiphany. A switch just went off in me. The inner badass warrior version of me told myself to stop letting this weight have power over me. Stop letting it make me feel that I am not worth as much because I weigh more.
I even found myself thinking of old friends that I would like to get in touch with and I have stopped myself from connecting with them because I don't want them to see me this way.
I can't tell you how ashamed that makes me of myself. I preach so much about self love and here I am not loving myself in all of my forms.
I look at models like Ashley Graham and I think to myself she is absolutely beautiful. I actually respect her more for owning her body, loving her curves and being authentically who she is. So why is it so hard for me? I hate how the new trend is celebrities getting plastic surgery to suck out all the fat from their waist, giving them the appearance of a curvy body with their hips and flat stomachs and fake butts. It’s just this disgusting fake body image and I’m over it. Give me Ashley Grahams real body all fucking day over the Kardashians and Instagram models.
I find pictures of myself from when I was thin and I think how even when I was small, I never felt I was good enough or thin enough. So I'm making a promise to myself to embrace and love myself now and at every size during my journey.
I say to hell with society standards, chasing perfection and never feeling good enough. I will embrace who I am in the present moment knowing I am worthy throughout every stage.
I can't tell you how often I have said to myself “once I lose weight…….”. It's always in some form of how my life will be better once I lose the weight. Why can't my life just be better right now? It does not matter how much I weigh, I am still me regardless of the number on the scale or size of my pants. I am still Jen. I’m tired of letting my weight gain have so much control over me and having it be such an insecurity of mine. I’m done. I am going to love myself just as I am and remind myself that everything happens for a reason and everything teaches me a lesson and grows me. This is just another lesson to learn and an opportunity to grow from.
I hope that if you’re reading this and if there is something in your life you are insecure or ashamed of that you stop letting it have power over you as well. Own it. Declare it. Own your imperfections, it is what makes you YOU, it is what makes you beautiful, it is what makes you authentic!
I’ve never been so excited to write a post and so scared at the same time. Scared because it is a huge insecurity of mine but excited because I know it will no longer have power over me after today. Excited that once I take back my power and control over it I can move forward.
I want to start a new weight loss journey, but I want to start it because I want to be healthy. I want to feel good. I want more energy. I want to do it because my boys deserve the best version of their mother. I deserve to be the best version of myself. I will love myself throughout this process. I will love myself when I mess up and I will love myself when I exercise will power. I will love myself because I am worthy of love.
Through this journey I have been extremely humbled and I have empathy for other people going through it in a way I could never understand or relate to before. I had to live through it on my own to understand all the ways weight creeps up on you. All the ways that it effects your life. Effects your confidence, your health, even how you put on your shoes!
I used to randomly run into someone I knew and it would be “Jen you look great, etc”. Now I see the same person and I get a lookover up and down, no comment, just silent judgement that makes me cringe. I would think to myself that I deserve to be judged like that because I had let myself go. But fuck that; I don’t deserve that! I don’t deserve to be looked over up and down with judgment. No one does.
So, ladies if you are struggling with your confidence or self-worth based on how other people make you feel or the number on the scale please know that you are not alone and please remember you are beautiful, worthy and enough. Let’s get healthy for the right reasons. Let’s get healthy because we deserve to be our best selves for ourselves.