I fell apart but I survived

I was a safe bet. I loved my husband with all of my heart. So why was I so sad and unhappy? One day I was his beautiful girl and in the blink of an eye I was no longer seen. I tried to be who I thought he needed and wanted me to be for all of my adult life. I gave my all and it still wasn’t enough. Sometimes you bend until you break. So I broke. I could no longer be in the marriage I had given myself to for ten years. It happened slowly, then all at once. I remember gathering my things, fitting as much as I could into my car to leave the home I put so much of myself into building.

I left what felt like my whole life and it broke me but I knew it was the only thing I could do to save me. I had to leave if I was going to save myself.

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Give yourself time

As much as leaving hurt me to my core and stripped me raw with emotion I could hardly contain, I never once second-guessed my decision or regretted it. When God says move, you move and I did. It went from zero to a hundred in the blink of an eye.

Now not only was I losing the man I loved more than anything I was also losing family relationships I put 16 years of my life into building. You see the thing is that there are always sides to separations and divorces and it was clear to me that everyone I had surrounded myself with was Team Him and I had given him all of me. So who did I have? I needed people and wow, did God deliver me with a team.

Apart from my family welcoming me into their home and reminding me daily that I was loved I also received messages from people almost every day. For months and months, people who I have never met face to face that only knew me from social media uplifted me, cheered me on and let me know I wasn’t alone. God also sent me a tribe of women that have become my best friends that are mine; friends that aren’t dependent upon my relationship.

I can’t tell you the number of days I couldn’t get out of bed. Days I couldn’t make it into work. Days I just wanted to sleep the pain away. Slowly, I got stronger. Little by little every day, I was forming into the woman I am now. Some days I was up early ready to take on the world and other days I couldn’t wake up and I didn’t want to face my new reality. What kept me going was my boys. I knew they needed me. What kept me going was my mom. She had my back every step of the way. What kept me going were the messages I would receive daily from people I had never even met. As I type this now, over a year after I left my marriage I received a text from someone checking on me. God has provided a group of people for me during this chapter of my life and I know that was him just showing out, knowing I’m writing this raw post and him letting me know he is here with me. God is so amazing.

I don’t know what the future holds for me. All I know is that I’m a woman learning, growing, embracing all that I am and accepting what I am not. I don’t put time limitations on my healing. I simply do the self-work the best that I can and have faith that God is directing my steps. I am strong yet fragile. I now have more good days then bad days. I can now accept the end to a chapter of my life I never wanted to finish. This is my catharsis.

What a beautiful thing it is to be able to stand tall and say I fell apart but I survived.